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Wow.  Where the hell do I start?

I pondered how I would do this post (over a few hours, in between courses on a date night – which is okay, because the Mrs. is a Clevelander, and thus she was quite involved). I was bombarded with a boatload of ideas.

I could have gone the “open letter” route, but “Danny Boy” (your Cavs, your Cavs are falling) Gilbert covered that route. Although, yes, Gilbert was part of the problem.

I thought about going the “song lyric” route. Such as the classic “You’re So Vain… you prob’ly think this song is about you…” (love ya, Carly), or the more obscure “Hey Kid Ego… whoa, come down…”* but that’s beating a dead horse.  Although, yes, LeBron’s inflated ego is part of the problem.

"Some will call him a Traitor, an A-hole, or a Sellout. LeBron is none of the above."

I could just rail against ESPN for dedicating a one-hour primetime special to an extremely self-centered guy announcing his free agency decision. But let’s face it… as unprecedented as this case is, ESPN had fed a lot of egos. Their poster boys don’t always work out… remember Maurice Clarett? Although, yes, ESPN is part of the problem.

So… I decided to go with the route that originated from a Twitter post from one of the many cool people that watch hockey as much as I do. I don’t want to name and quote him without his permission, so I’ll paraphrase and owe him a couple dogs and a pint at Dirty Frank’s, because inspiration is an important thing, and I doubt he’s up at the hour I’m writing this (thanks, dude).

Anyway, he said something along the line of “if LeBron screws Cleveland on national TV, he goes down as the Biggest <South end of a northbound horse>-hole In Sports History.” He even put LeBron’s Twitter handle in the tweet. Now, I doubt he’d bother reading all his mentions on Twitter… I’m not sure there are enough hours in the day, but that’s what his office and staff are for. I’m sure they’re the ones writing his feed anyway.

However… from his tweet… AH-HA! Inspiration! LeBron earns a title before he even earns a TITLE!

So I’m rolling with that.

But… it’s not the title you think.

Hardcore Cavs fans will call him a Traitor. Some burned his jersey. Hell, if I were the Cleveland Police, I’d put an extra guy or two on that “Witnesses” billboard.

"LeBron James is an Average Professional Athlete. Welcome to the club."

My fellow CBJ fan might call him the Biggest <Rhymes with sassafras>-hole in Sports History.

Some might even call LeBron James… a Sellout.

That last one is actually ludicrous (at least technically). If you look at it on the surface, LeBron is taking less money to go to the Miami Heat and play with a couple of his buddies.  Obviously, if you look at it from a very broad perspective – conspiring with a couple NBA guys to build this “Superteam from South Beach”….   Well, yeah, maybe it is selling out a little – his hometown… sort of… in a Northeast Ohio sort of way.

However, LeBron James is none of the above things.

What he is, is… are you ready for this? Here we go…

LeBron James is your Average Professional Athlete.

Congratulations, LeBron. Welcome to the club. You’re… well, average.

I mean, obviously, LeBron James is good at a great many things… and he’s better than a lot of NBA players.

"We knew this day would come if LeBron didn’t get a title… we just wanted to believe otherwise."

But when it comes down to it… LeBron James is no Magic Johnson from the NBA, who won titles with the Lakers. Let’s not forget Kobe Bryant, for that matter. These careers weren’t short – and they were one-franchise players.

Yeah, I know… I’m spouting off about one-franchise guys from Los Angeles, and talking about freakin’ Cleveland in the same paragraph. I don’t buy that it was that heart-wrenching a decision, either.

Pro athletes do this all the time. Guys go to contenders to win championships all the time. So, what makes LeBron special? Other than his exceptional talent, absolutely nothing.

Sadly, there is also something pro sports fans do all the time, and that is to put a disproportionate amount of faith in pro athletes. We knew this day would come if LeBron didn’t get a title… we just wanted to believe otherwise.

Dan Gilbert can spew in an open letter all he wants about how LeBron quit in the Playoffs, and (delusionally) guarantee the Cavaliers will win an NBA title before the “self-titled, former ‘King.’” He can froth at the mouth all he wants about how this “act of betrayal by one of our very own” hurts Cleveland.

"Maybe if [Dan Gilbert] spent a little more time hyping LeBron on his last Opening Night, and less time hyping his slam-dunk casino issue... I’m not writing this column."

Well, Dan, first of all, you’re not even “one of our own.” You write the checks from an office out of state.

Second, and more importantly, maybe if you spent a little more time hyping LeBron on his last Opening Night, and less time inundating the captive audience with ads for your casino issue, you’re not writing your stupid letter and I’m not writing this column.

And the “Comic Sans” font for your letter? Really? Good lord, you may as well have written it in crayon.  What a putz.

Players change teams. LeBron is simply a hired gun, like any other Average Professional Athlete, except this time it wasn’t all about money for once.

Simply put, he’s human. What would you do?

I’m not defending LeBron James. I honestly thought this was the year, like many of you did. That title was also the only way LeBron was going to stay in Cleveland beyond last Wednesday.

Like I said last_week… we knew it was coming. So, LeBron James is now a… ummmmm….

…this is kinda awkward. What the hell do you call a singular member of the Miami Heat? A Scoville? A BTU? A Calorie?

Screw him… he’s no longer a Cavalier. He’s probably the second-most hated man in Cleveland behind Art Modell.

He couldn’t even win that title in Cleveland. You see? Average.

It’s time to move forward.

And hey… now you can watch more hockey!

Follow @MartiniHockey http://twitter.com/MartiniHockey and @ColumbusSports http://twitter.com/ColumbusSports on Twitter.

*- (e-mail the artist, title and album -- without looking it up, no cheating -- within 24 hours, I’ll try and come up with some sort of prize)

Tags: cleveland cavaliers, dan gilbert, lebron james, miami heat